some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
