I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize