that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
