yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
