I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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