Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
