There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
