I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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