I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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