I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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