I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Randomize
