Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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