It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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