I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
