Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
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