Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
