I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
