Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
