So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
