she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Randomize
