the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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