dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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