Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
