I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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