Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
