Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
