He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
The best revenge is premature balding
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
