I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
