i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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