So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
