I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
