I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
