so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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