I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
