She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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