WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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