the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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