I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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