I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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