a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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