was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
