She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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