he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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