"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
No...this little piggys going to the bar
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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