I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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