she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
