Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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