God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
