so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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