Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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