Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
