Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
