I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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