i think my tv is drunk
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
