I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Randomize
